Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
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Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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