can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
