I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Ambien. No doubt about it.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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