ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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