Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
