kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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