I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
