I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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