Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
