I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
