just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
