i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
