just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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