Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
