Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
