I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
