my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
