Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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