I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
