he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
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I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
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Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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