i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
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We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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