Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
