You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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