saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
