I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
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Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
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I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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