dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
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