Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
