I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
that may or may not have been my penis.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
