I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
