My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
