i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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