That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
