hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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