3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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