I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
