I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
