He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I am available for nakedness
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
