K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
