Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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