I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
