But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
