But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
