Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
