omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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