Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my shit smells like andre
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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