Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
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