My friends, they love my intelligence
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
