When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
