that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
