PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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