i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
There's always time for handjobs
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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