i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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