I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
