someone threw a dead crab at me
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
