if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
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Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
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We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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