i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
