why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the condom got lost in my hair
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
